Sunday, August 21, 2016

Tyson Fury: Running to the Ends of the Earth to Avoid Fighting Vladimir Klitschko

I was promised a private interview session with Britain’s engaging and entertaining World Heavyweight Champion Tyson Fury but all I got was this holograph.  I shouldn’t be surprised that Tyson Fury was a no show because everyone’s having trouble finding Tyson Fury.

Oh, he showed up for his surprise birthday part with family and friends, but the quickly disappeared.  Several real heavyweight boxers are looking for him. First in line former Heavyweight Champion Vladimir Klitschko (remember him?) had a special kind of date with him on July 9 after Fury stole the title from him in a lackluster sloppy fight that looked like what happened in a mosh pit. 

I’m sure Vladimir Klitchko regrets being bored that night he lost the title. Bored or drugged, I don’t know which, but likely he felt he didn’t have to train to defeat a long tall string bean who knew how to scuffle and smother but not to fight.  The judges awarded the decision to the elated Fury who is working hard to stay elated forever by being unavailable for anything but fun being heavyweight champ.

Surely, Fury realizes the impossibility of his position. And why shouldn’t he hold the title as long as she can even if it means wearing disguises and traveling only at night so that other fighters can’t find him. 

So I ask the Holograph Tyson Fury why he doesn’t get it over with.  He points at his foot.  “You see this? A bunion?  You know what happens if you risk the title by going into the ring with a bunion.” 

But you keep delaying, and you pop up once in a while like a jack-in-the box in the oddest places talking about what a great fighter you are.  And then you were so frightened that you were said to be taking performance enhancing drugs.  But no fights? 

Are you waiting for the 40 something Klitchko to pass away from old age?  And look, there are lots of young fighters just waiting for you since you claim Klitchko will be a cakewalk. 
   “What about Deontay Wilder?” I ask.

Ah, Alabama!  What? Alabama.  Who wants to go to Alabama?  Oh no, I protest, Deontay says he will fight you in Buckingham Palace if you wish, or Picadilly Circus, or under a streetlamp in Brixton.

To name just two.  C’mon man, give it up.  We’ve heard of running but that usually refers to inside the ring running.  You run like a space traveler, dude. You got lucky. We like you and you’ve had your five minutes in the spotlight. What I have against what you’re doing is that you’re holding up the careers of a lot of good people.

Let’s get it on, Tyson Fury. The curtain’s down. You have to know it’s time to exit stage left.

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